The Spark
Posted on December 31st, 2024
I haven’t written anything lately because I had nothing to say that I felt like sharing. As good as I can be at seeming fine when I’m not (still not sure if this is an asset or a liability), saying that I’m not okay would be an understatement. Functional, yes, but definitely not “okay”.
Everything just seems a bit pointless and destined to end in pain. Trying to create anything. Trying to make friends. Hoping to be loved. Trying to convince myself I can be more than a useless failure. Even just doing things like reading or gaming I’ve normally enjoyed seems pointless because any real effort beyond mere survival seems too difficult to attempt or like I haven’t “earned” it. I have moments, days, sometimes even a week or more when I can get going, but then it all goes away.
I know a lot of it goes back to feeling like I don’t deserve to be loved. Or truly worthy of anything good, when you get down to it. I hate that I feel this way and that I can’t seem to get rid of it. It’s always there as an undercurrent in every moment of my existence. I wonder often what I would be like if I genuinely saw myself as worthy of happiness/love/respect/success instead of having wasted years putting on a show.
The reason I couldn’t face up to that–the truth of my self-loathing–is because I wasn’t strong enough and it likely would have killed me. So instead, I kept running around in terrified circles and trying to project an image of this cute, perfect thing other people might accept, that someone might want to take care of and make me believe I was worthy. Always doing something-or-other trying desperately to prove I had a right to exist since I doubted this myself.
Maybe accepting I don’t love myself and saying, “Okay. What now?” is proof I’ve gotten stronger. Moreover, a spark of something exists, some trace of genuine belief that I CAN be more. If it wasn’t there, I would have given up already.
