Hello, World: An Experiment in Self-Acceptance
Posted on December 7th, 2024
I have a new personal website now (but you knew that already). I’ll be posting writing, art, and anything that comes to mind that doesn’t belong on my games site. I’ve imported some old posts and pictures; if you want to check out just the art, it’s in the gallery. The Writings page shows written stuff that isn’t general site updates. In the future, I might change it just to fiction if/when I write enough stories.
Anyway, it’s been a long time since I openly shared my thoughts anywhere but Twitter Bluesky. This is my place to do that and it feels a little scary. Over time, I’ve felt myself getting more and more closed off, getting less willing to venture out, whether IRL or online, and do anything that involved interacting with strangers other than my job or other essential stuff. It’s lonely, but it’s safe and I got used to it. Because if no one can see me, no one can hurt me, either.
Right now, though, I’m questioning if the exchange is worth it. If no one can see me, no one can see me. Or hear me. Or remember me. Or care that I ever existed. On some fundamental level, I felt like those things were impossible anyway, regardless of any the evidence that something different was possible. Without getting into my whole life story, I have a history going way back of the people who claim to love me the most treating me like a thing, not a person, as if my thoughts/ideas/emotions were less worthy of respect and care than pretty much anyone else’s. When you’re raised like that, it leaves an impression whether you’re aware of it or not.
So I spent a very long time waiting for someone—someone who mattered, which meant “not me”—to choose me, love me and cherish me and make me believe, without a doubt, that I was absolutely worthy in and of myself. But I never felt I was deserving of being loved or respected, so finding someone else who could give me that just wasn’t in the cards. Not with one person; not with any attempt I made at connecting with the world in general. Something was always bound to go wrong because, deep down, I was convinced I didn’t deserve to be loved or valued in any [healthy] way and that the only “correct” input was whatever told me I was worthless.
Slowly—very slowly—I’ve been getting used to the idea that I do matter and that what I think of me is what’s most important, not what other people tell me I am or should be. Posting like this and risking rejection is part of the process. I’m also risking acceptance. That someone else might see themselves and feel less alone. That I might feel less alone and dare to believe my thoughts/ideas/emotions are actually worth sharing.
I wish it hadn’t taken this long, but better late than never.
